Love between a parent and child is supposed to be unconditional. But as kids grow up and become adults, that bond can change in ways you never expected.
Just because your child spends time with you or responds to your messages doesn’t necessarily mean they feel close to you. Sometimes, they’re just going through the motions—keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, or fulfilling an obligation.
It’s a painful thought, but it’s better to recognize the signs than to keep telling yourself a comforting lie. If your adult child does these eight things, they may not truly love you—they may just be tolerating you.
1) They keep conversations surface-level
Talking to your child should feel natural and warm, but if every conversation feels like small talk, that’s a red flag.
They might ask how you’ve been or what you’ve been up to, but they never go deeper than that. Personal struggles? Big life decisions? Emotional connections? Those topics are off-limits.
When someone truly loves you, they want to share their world with you—and be part of yours. If your adult child keeps things polite but distant, they may just be maintaining a relationship out of obligation, not love.
2) They rarely share personal details
I remember the moment it hit me. My child had been going through something big—job changes, relationship struggles, even health concerns—and I was always the last to know.
Sometimes, I wouldn’t find out at all until someone else mentioned it in passing.
It wasn’t that they didn’t have people to confide in—they did. Close friends, mentors, even distant relatives knew more about their life than I did. And that hurt.
When your child keeps you at arm’s length and avoids sharing their real thoughts and struggles, it’s a sign they don’t see you as an emotional safe space. They’re not leaning on you out of love; they’re keeping you around out of duty.
3) They seem emotionally indifferent toward you
Love isn’t just about words—it’s about emotion. When someone truly cares, you can feel it in the way they react to your highs and lows.
But if your adult child seems emotionally detached, offering only neutral responses to your excitement or struggles, that’s a sign something is off.
Studies show that emotional closeness in parent-child relationships is a strong predictor of overall well-being in adulthood. When that closeness is missing, interactions can start to feel transactional rather than heartfelt.
If your child treats you with politeness but lacks warmth, they may not be emotionally invested in the relationship—they may just be maintaining it out of habit.
4) They don’t make time for you
Everyone gets busy—work, relationships, and personal responsibilities all take up time. But when someone truly values a relationship, they find ways to make time, even in small ways.
If your adult child constantly cancels plans, takes days (or weeks) to respond to messages, or only reaches out when they need something, it’s worth questioning how much they truly want you in their life.
Effort is a reflection of priority. If they always seem too busy for you but have time for everything else, they may not be nurturing the relationship out of love—they may just be keeping it alive out of obligation.
5) They set strict boundaries with you
I believe in healthy boundaries—everyone needs them. But there’s a difference between setting boundaries for personal well-being and building walls to keep someone out.
If your child only allows contact on their terms, keeps you out of major life events, or reacts defensively when you try to get closer, it might not just be about personal space. It could be their way of maintaining distance.
I’ve seen this happen firsthand, and it’s a painful realization.
When love is present, boundaries create balance—not barriers. If it feels like you’re being shut out rather than respected, they may not be nurturing the relationship out of love—they may just be managing it.
6) They are overly polite with you
You’d think that politeness is always a good thing, but sometimes, it can be a sign of emotional distance.
When love is real, conversations flow naturally—there’s teasing, inside jokes, and even the occasional disagreement.
But if your adult child treats you like a stranger they need to impress, responding with formalities instead of warmth, it might mean they don’t feel truly connected to you.
Genuine relationships have ups and downs, moments of honesty and openness.
If everything feels too careful, too polished, and too neutral, they may not be acting out of love—they may just be keeping things pleasant to avoid deeper emotional involvement.
7) They only reach out when they need something
It’s normal for family members to help each other out, but if the only time your adult child calls or visits is when they need a favor, that’s a problem.
Think about it—do they ever check in just to see how you’re doing? Do they share good news with you, or invite you into their life for no reason at all? Or do they only show up when they need money, advice, or a last-minute favor?
Love isn’t transactional. If your relationship feels more like an obligation on their end, they may not be staying connected because they want to—they may just be keeping the door open because it’s convenient.
8) They don’t show vulnerability around you
Real love requires trust, and trust means feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. If your adult child never opens up about their fears, doubts, or emotions with you, it may be because they don’t see you as someone they can turn to in that way.
People don’t hide their true selves from those they feel deeply connected to.
If your child keeps their guard up, never letting you see their struggles or weaknesses, it’s not just emotional distance—it’s a sign they may be tolerating the relationship rather than embracing it.
Love isn’t just about presence—it’s about connection
If you’ve been noticing these signs in your relationship with your adult child, you’re not alone.
Many parents find themselves in this painful space, wondering when the warmth faded and why the bond feels more like an obligation than a true connection.
But love isn’t just about staying in touch or showing up on holidays—it’s about real emotional closeness. A relationship built on love has depth, honesty, and mutual effort. A relationship built on tolerance feels distant, polite, and transactional.
Recognizing the difference isn’t easy, but it’s the first step toward either rebuilding what’s broken or accepting what is. Because at the end of the day, love should never feel like something someone is just putting up with.
