I used to be the kind of person who always put others ahead of myself—it was a natural instinct.
I believed that to maintain my relationships, I needed to prioritize others’ needs before my own.
Then, I hit a wall: I realized I was neglecting myself. I felt drained, unfulfilled and unhappy.
It was a tough call, but I decided to start prioritizing my own needs.
I was scared, and I thought it would ruin my relationships.
But, to my surprise, it did the exact opposite—it saved them.
This is the story of how putting myself first didn’t destroy my relationships, but instead made them stronger.
In fact, it was the key that unlocked a much healthier and harmonious way of relating to others:
1) Acknowledging the burnout
I was always the go-to person among my friends and family.
The one who was always there to lend a hand, offer a shoulder to cry on, or just provide a listening ear.
I thought that was the only way to keep my relationships intact.
But then, I hit a point of exhaustion.
It was a kind of tiredness that no amount of sleep could cure; it was more than just physical exhaustion—emotional and mental fatigue too.
I realized that I had been giving so much of myself to others that I had forgotten to take care of my own needs; I was constantly in a state of stress and anxiety, always worrying about others and rarely considering myself.
This led me to acknowledge the burnout.
It was a crucial step in understanding that something had to change.
I needed to start prioritizing myself, even if it meant risking the relationships I held dear.
What I didn’t realize then was that putting myself first wouldn’t jeopardize my relationships.
Instead, it turned out to be the lifeline they needed.
2) Setting boundaries in a friendship
I remember a particular friend who always seemed to need me.
She would call me at all hours, often for minor issues that could’ve been resolved without my intervention.
I felt obligated to help her, thinking that’s what good friends do.
However, it started affecting my own emotional health—I was constantly on edge and feeling drained.
That’s when I realized I needed to set some boundaries.
I was terrified that it would end our friendship.
But one day, I took a deep breath and had an honest conversation with her.
I explained my feelings and how the constant calls were affecting me.
To my surprise, she was understanding and agreed to limit the calls to certain times of the day unless it was an emergency.
The result? Our friendship didn’t crumble.
On the contrary, it became stronger because we understood each other’s needs better!
3) The importance of self-compassion
Self-compassion is a term that’s gaining a lot of traction in psychology circles.
It’s about being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure, rather than being harshly self-critical.
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, suggests that it has three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
When I started prioritizing my own needs, I realized that I was lacking in self-compassion.
I was so caught up in fulfilling the needs of others that I was harsh and critical towards myself when I couldn’t meet their expectations.
By practicing self-compassion, I learned to be kinder to myself.
This not only reduced my stress levels but also improved the quality of my relationships.
When we are kind to ourselves, we are better equipped to be kind to others.
Prioritizing my own needs helped me cultivate self-compassion, which in turn, positively influenced my relationships.
4) Understanding the value of self-care
I used to equate self-care with selfishness; I thought taking time for myself was indulgent and that it detracted from the time and energy I could spend on others—but I was wrong.
Self-care is about replenishing your own resources so you can give your best to the people around you.
It’s like the safety instructions on an airplane—you need to put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help others with theirs.
When I started to prioritize self-care, I found that I had more energy and a better state of mind to engage with my loved ones.
My relationships improved because I was able to bring a healthier, happier version of me into them.
In essence, by taking care of my own needs first, I was able to be a better friend, partner, and family member.
It truly was the turning point that saved my relationships.
5) The realization of my co-dependency
There was a time when I was always available for everyone.
I’d drop everything at a moment’s notice to cater to others’ needs, often at the expense of my own plans or needs.
It was a pattern I had fallen into without even realizing it.
But then, during a conversation with a therapist, I understood that this was a form of co-dependency.
I was relying on others’ approval and acceptance to feel good about myself.
This realization was like a punch in the gut; I decided then and there to break this cycle.
It wasn’t easy—changing patterns never is—but I knew it was essential for my own well-being and for the health of my relationships.
As I began to prioritize my own needs and break free from co-dependency, my relationships didn’t fall apart as I had feared.
Instead, they evolved into healthier and more balanced interactions.
6) Learning to communicate effectively
Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, but I realized that while I was good at listening to others, I wasn’t as effective in expressing my own needs and desires.
I used to suppress my own feelings for fear of being seen as selfish or demanding.
However, over time, this led to resentment and frustration, which was damaging to my relationships.
So, I decided to improve my communication skills.
I started expressing my needs more openly and assertively, making sure to use ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
For example, instead of saying “You never consider my feelings,” I’d say, “I feel upset when my feelings aren’t considered.”
This shift in communication didn’t push people away as I had feared.
Instead, it led to a deeper understanding and respect among us.
Prioritizing my needs and expressing them effectively helped strengthen the bonds in my relationships.
7) Embracing the power of authenticity
The most profound lesson I learned from prioritizing my own needs was the importance of authenticity.
I spent so much time trying to be what others wanted or needed me to be that I lost sight of who I really was.
When I started prioritizing my needs, I began to reconnect with my authentic self.
I discovered passions and interests that I had neglected; I learned to speak my mind and express my feelings openly.
Being authentic didn’t push people away.
Instead, it drew them closer—people appreciated the real me, with all my strengths and weaknesses.
Authenticity is about being true to yourself, and in doing so, forming genuine connections with others.
When I embraced authenticity, it didn’t destroy my relationships.
Quite the opposite—it saved them.
Final reflection: It’s about balance
The essence of our journey through life is often found in the delicate balance between our needs and those of others.
What I learned from prioritizing my own needs was that it didn’t have to be an either-or situation.
I didn’t have to choose between my relationships or myself. Instead, it was about finding that balance.
By acknowledging my own needs and setting healthy boundaries, I not only saved my relationships but also discovered a more authentic version of myself.
As you navigate your own journey, remember that it’s not selfish to prioritize your needs—it’s essential.
In doing so, you might just find that it doesn’t destroy your relationships, but instead strengthens and deepens them.
It’s about balance—the balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.
