When Seinfeld completed its glorious run more than a decade ago, nobody could envision how the iPhone would become The Maestro of mobile communication. Now that the gang is riffing about iToilets during their reunion on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, Appolicious takes a Bizarro look back at 10 key moments in Seinfeld history to reveal that there are indeed apps for everything (even in a show about nothing.)
Wandering through a parking garage
Locating Kramer’s car in the multi-level parking garage would have been a lot easier with the benefit of Where’s My Car. The 99-cent navigation app uses your iPhone’s GPS capabilities to map a history of the last five locations of your car. Just launch and activate Where’s My Car every time you park at the mall, and never worry about dying goldfish or public indecency laws again.
Keeping Chinese restaurant reservations
The painful wait for “Seinfeld, four” would never have occurred if any member of the crew had access to the OpenTable restaurant reservation app. Instant mobile access to the reservation systems of thousands of participating restaurants in Manhattan (and across the country) provides better options than trying to bribe the maitre d with twenty bucks.
Setting alarm clocks
When Kramer decided to install an industrial strength heater in his apartment to prepare for the New York City Marathon, its power consumption shorted the alarm clock Jerry set for his Olympian racer house guest. By setting a backup wake up call with the A+ Talking Alarm Cock app, Jerry and Jean-Paul Jean-Paul would have rested more easily. Setting the alarm on this 99-cent app is a snap. Its call-a-friend function would have been helpful for Kramer and Elaine.
Fat free and not fat free
No need to call a laboratory to see if the non-fat yogurt shop is legit. With apps like Restaurant Nutrition, knowing the fat and caloric content of your formerly favorite foods is becoming standard. Just don’t use the free app to look up the creamed spinach count at Kenny Roger’s Roasters.
Finding a bathroom
While George Costanza offered a wealth of information regarding the best bathrooms in New York City, a more national (and sane) account can be found with Charmin’s SitOrSquat: Bathroom Finder app. While the free app details different Starbucks and gas station locations, there is regrettably no information about George’s own private office retreat. Much more functional than the iToilet that George supposedly invented in recent years.
Can’t get more opposite than this
When George found himself jobless and living with his parents, he decided to do the opposite action of what his instincts were telling him. A more radical approach would have been to download Polar Opposite. The app, currently free, pinpoints exactly where you’d be on the planet if you dug a hole through to the other side. Of course, he’d still probably run into J. Peterman in some cave.
New Yorker pages come alive
Rather than storming into the offices of The New Yorker, Elaine would have let her iPhone do the talking and explain the meaning of the magazine’s esoteric cartoons. The free New York Animated Cartoons App features select cartoons as short animated films. Keeping with the cartoon theme, Jerry’s favorite app would invariably be Cartoons Classics: Superman 1940s.
Frogger is lighter on the iPhone
George would not have risked life and limb carrying an Frogger arcade game across the street if he were able to reach into his pocket and brag about his 860,630 high-score he made on his 99-cent Frogger app. He just shouldn’t lend his device to “Slippery Pete.”
An app for the “rest of us”
Frank Costanza’s inspiration to establish Festivus as a national holiday would have gained more legitimacy with the use of Occasions. The 99-cent app helps people remember birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions such as the annual “airing of grievances” among friends and family.
That is a Titleist
George’s efforts to save a whale by retrieving a golf ball out of its blow hole could have used the help of the TeeShot app. While $20 bucks is a lot to pay to measure the length and location of your golf shot, successfully pretending to be a marine biologist is priceless.
For more pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good Seinfeld quotes and references, invest 99 cents in Jerry Seinfeld Quotes. Write it off (if you even know what that means) as a charitable donation to the Human Fund.
