Growing up in an emotionally unstable home can leave lasting marks, many of which you might not even recognize.
The truth is, these experiences engrave onto us certain behaviors which we carry into our adult lives unknowingly.
In this article, we’ll explore seven things that you, like me, might be doing without even realizing it. These actions are not your fault, they’re simply a byproduct of an unstable childhood.
But by shedding light on these habits, we can start to understand them and eventually overcome them. So let’s dive in and start untangling the threads of our past to build a healthier future.
1) You’re hyper-aware of others’ emotions
Growing up in an emotionally unstable environment often means becoming a master at reading others’ emotions. It’s a survival skill, a way to anticipate and avoid potential conflict.
You might not even realize you’re doing it, but this hyper-awareness can stick with you into adulthood. You find yourself constantly scanning rooms, reading faces, interpreting tone of voice – all in an effort to gauge the emotional temperature.
This constant vigilance can be exhausting and can cause unnecessary stress. But by recognizing this habit, you can begin to learn how to turn your sensitivity into a strength rather than a source of anxiety.
Remember, it’s not your responsibility to manage everyone else’s emotions – it’s okay to focus on your own wellbeing too.
2) You avoid conflict at all costs
This is something I’ve found myself doing time and time again. Having grown up in a home where conflict was the norm, and often escalated to unhealthy levels, I developed a deep-seated fear of it.
I remember once, my boss asked for feedback about a new policy at work. Even though I had some valid concerns, I kept quiet. I was too scared that expressing my opinion would lead to conflict, even in a professional setting where disagreement should be welcomed.
Unconsciously, I was applying the same rules from my unstable childhood to my adult life: keep quiet, keep the peace, avoid conflict. But bottling up concerns isn’t healthy or productive.
If you’re like me and you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs, remember that not all disagreements are bad. Constructive conflict can lead to better understanding and growth. It’s okay to voice your opinion and stand your ground.
3) You struggle with self-care
Children from emotionally unstable homes often grow up focusing on the needs of others before their own. It’s a coping mechanism, a way to keep the peace. As adults, this behavior can manifest as neglecting one’s own self-care.
Ironically, while we’re often taught that putting others first is noble, research from the University of Illinois suggests that those who prioritize self-care tend to have healthier relationships and are more capable of caring for others.
So if you find it difficult to put your needs first, remember that self-care isn’t selfish. It’s a necessary part of maintaining both physical and mental health. By taking care of yourself, you’re better equipped to take care of others and navigate life’s challenges.
4) You have a hard time trusting others
Trust can be a tricky thing when you’ve grown up in an emotionally unstable home. If the people who were meant to protect and care for you were unpredictable or unreliable, it’s only natural to carry that skepticism into your adult relationships.
Without realizing it, you might find yourself questioning others’ motives, expecting them to let you down, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. This can make it difficult to form deep, meaningful connections with others.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards building healthier relationships. It’s not easy to let go of past hurts, but remember, not everyone is out to disappoint you.
Allow yourself the vulnerability to trust and form connections with others. It can be a scary process, but it’s also incredibly rewarding.
5) You crave control
In the midst of a chaotic childhood, I often felt like I was on a roller coaster that I couldn’t get off. Now as an adult, I find myself seeking control in every situation.
For instance, I obsessively plan every detail of a vacation. From the flight timings to the hotel check-in, every minute is accounted for. While it might seem like overkill to some, for me, it’s a way to ensure that unexpected surprises don’t throw me off balance.
If you’re like me, and you have an intense need for control, it might be a result of an unstable upbringing.
Recognizing this can help you loosen your grip and learn to embrace life’s uncertainties. After all, not everything in life can be planned and controlled, and that’s okay.
6) You feel an overwhelming need to please
Growing up in an emotionally unstable environment often means learning to be a people-pleaser. You might find yourself going out of your way to make others happy, sometimes at your own expense.
This need to please can stem from a desire for approval or fear of rejection. You might think that if you’re perfect and do everything right, you’ll avoid conflict or criticism.
The truth is, it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. And trying to do so can lead to stress and burnout.
It’s important to remember that your worth is not dependent on others’ approval. You have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs.
7) You’re stronger than you realize
Growing up in an emotionally unstable home can be challenging. But amidst the chaos, you’ve developed resilience and strength. You’ve learned to adapt, to survive, and to keep going, even when things are tough.
You might not see it yet, but these qualities make you incredibly strong. They’re not just survival mechanisms, but valuable skills that can help you navigate life’s ups and downs.
Never underestimate your strength. It’s a part of who you are, and it’s something to be immensely proud of.
The journey of self-discovery
Understanding our behaviors and where they stem from is a complex journey, often laden with self-discovery and introspection.
If you’ve identified with any of these points, know that it’s not a sign of weakness, but an indication of your strength and resilience. These behaviors are coping mechanisms, developed in response to challenging circumstances.
The psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Acknowledging these behaviors can be the first step towards acceptance and change.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many others have walked this path before you, and many will walk it after. You’re stronger than your past, and you have the power to shape your future.
Growing up in an emotionally unstable home may have shaped who you are, but it doesn’t define you. Your past is part of your story, but it’s not the whole book. There’s always room for new chapters, new growth, and new beginnings.
