Remember those golden days when your kids would run to you with their tiny problems and share every little detail about their day? Now that they’ve grown into adults, you might find those conversations are fewer and far between.
Here’s the kicker.
It’s not because they don’t want to confide in you anymore, it could be because of certain phrases you’re using that might be driving them away. Surprised? Don’t be. It happens more often than you think.
So, if you’re scratching your head, thinking, “How can I get my adult children to open up to me?” this piece might just have the answer. Here are seven phrases you need to avoid if you want your adult children to trust you with their thoughts and feelings.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
Sure, it’s not easy being a parent to grown-up children. The balancing act between giving advice and respecting their independence can be a tightrope walk. But understanding the impact of our words can go a long way in building stronger, more open relationships with them.
1) “When I was your age…”
We’ve all been there.
Trying to connect with our adult children by drawing comparisons from our own past. We mean well, of course. But here’s the deal.
The phrase “When I was your age…” can often come off as dismissive rather than supportive. It might imply that their problems are insignificant compared to what we experienced at their age.
The world has changed since we were their age, and so have the challenges that come with it. Instead of comparing, try empathizing.
Ask them about their experiences, understand their perspective, and provide guidance without belittling their feelings.
Remember, it’s about them, not us. The more we show understanding and respect for their unique experiences, the more they’ll feel comfortable opening up to us.
2) “You should just…”
I still recall the day my daughter came home upset about a disagreement she had with her roommate. She was visibly stressed and just needed someone to talk to.
My immediate reaction was to jump in with a solution, “You should just talk to her about it.”
Sounds reasonable, right? But here’s where I went wrong.
The phrase “You should just…” can often sound like we’re dictating their actions. It might make them feel like we’re not really listening, but instead, rushing to fix the problem.
What I learned from that day is that sometimes, our adult children don’t need solutions. They just need us to listen, to understand their situation.
So now, when my daughter shares her problems, I take a moment. I listen. And then I ask, “What do you think you could do about it?”
This approach encourages her to think through her options and shows that I trust in her ability to handle her problems. Trust me, it has made our relationship much stronger,.
3) “That’s nothing to worry about.”
We mean well, don’t we? Trying to ease their worries, to lighten their load. But here’s the paradox.
The phrase, “That’s nothing to worry about,” can unintentionally belittle their feelings. It can make them feel like their worries aren’t valid or important enough.
And what happens when someone feels their worries aren’t validated?
They stop sharing. They bottle up. They distance themselves.
It’s not about agreeing with their worries or fears, it’s about acknowledging them. It’s about letting them know it’s okay to worry, and that you’re there for them regardless of how big or small their concerns may seem.
Next time, try saying, “I see why you’d worry about that. Let’s figure out a way through this together.”
It’s a subtle shift, but it can make a world of difference in how they perceive your support and understanding.
4) “You’re overreacting.”
Oh, the infamous “You’re overreacting” remark.
We’ve all said it, haven’t we? But here’s something to think about.
While we might see their reaction as exaggerated, for them, it’s very real. Telling them they’re overreacting can make them feel misunderstood and judged.
So what could we do instead?
Validate their emotions. Tell them it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling.
Instead of dismissing their reaction, let’s try saying, “I can see you’re really upset about this. Would you like to talk about it?” This way, we’re acknowledging their emotions and inviting them to share more.
Remember, our adult children need our understanding and support, not our judgment.
5) “I told you so.”
Nobody likes hearing “I told you so.” It’s a phrase packed with a punch of superiority and a dash of gloating.
Research actually shows that hearing “I told you so” can trigger feelings of resentment and defiance. Not exactly the emotions you want to inspire in your adult child, right?
Here’s a better alternative: “How do you feel about what happened?” This sparks a conversation, allows them to reflect, and lets them feel heard and understood.
After all, isn’t learning from our mistakes the best way to grow? Let’s give our adult children the space and respect to do just that.
6) “You’re always…” or “You never…”
These absolute statements can be quite damaging.
Telling your adult child, “You’re always late,” or “You never listen,” can make them feel cornered and defensive. It doesn’t open a door for conversation; instead, it builds a wall.
Here’s a kinder approach: “I’ve noticed that sometimes you struggle with punctuality. Is there something we can do to help improve this?”
This way, we’re pointing out the behavior, not criticizing the person. We’re opening a dialogue, offering help, and showing empathy.
It’s a small change in our language, but it carries a lot of weight in our relationship with our adult children.
7) “Why can’t you be more like…”
The comparison game.
It’s a dangerous one to play, especially with our adult children. Telling them “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother/friend” can breed resentment and damage self-esteem.
Each person is unique, with their own strengths and struggles. Let’s celebrate that individuality, not undermine it.
Instead of comparing, let’s focus on their growth. Let’s say, “I’m proud of who you are becoming.”
In the end, it’s about respect and unconditional love. And that’s the most important thing your adult child should feel when they confide in you.
Wrapping up
If you found yourself nodding along to some of these phrases, don’t worry, you’re not alone. It’s a common parental instinct to want to fix, advise, or protect. But as our children grow into adults, our role needs to adapt.
Here’s the silver lining – it’s never too late to change our communication patterns.
Start by being aware of your language. Notice if you’re using any of these phrases. Reflect on how you could rephrase them in a more supportive way.
It may not be easy at first. Old habits do take time to change. But every effort you make is a step towards building a stronger, more open relationship with your adult children.
Remember, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up for them in the best way we can.
So next time you find yourself about to say one of these phrases, pause. Choose empathy over advice, understanding over judgment, and conversation over conclusion.
The journey towards better communication with your adult children starts with these small but significant steps. And trust me, the rewards are worth it – a deeper connection with your grown-up child that’s based on mutual respect and understanding.
After all, isn’t that what we all aspire for as parents?
