If you really want your adult children to be vulnerable with you, say goodbye to these 8 behaviors

If your adult child shuts down when you ask how they’re doing, chances are, it’s not them, it’s you. It’s the hard truth, but don’t worry — we’re all guilty of it.

The reality is, fostering an open and trusting relationship with your grownup kids is no walk in the park. It takes a lot of unlearning, self-awareness, and yes, saying goodbye to certain behaviors.

You see, adulting is hard enough without having to navigate the complexities of parental relationships. But if you’re willing to adjust a bit, you might just bridge that gap.

I’ll be sharing eight behaviors that could be standing in the way of having an emotionally intimate relationship with your adult children.

Stick around if you’re ready for some self-reflection and hard truths.

1) Drop the judgment

Judgment is a communication roadblock.

We’ve all felt it. That prickly sensation when someone passes judgement on our actions or feelings. It’s not pleasant, is it?

Now imagine your adult child feeling that from you. They’re likely to clam up quicker than an oyster at low tide.

When we judge, we create a one-sided narrative that leaves no room for the other person’s perspective. It sends a clear message: “Your feelings or thoughts are wrong.”

Is that the kind of atmosphere you want to foster with your adult children? Probably not.

Saying goodbye to your judgmental behaviors might be tough as they’re often ingrained. But it’s worth it.

Because once you do, you’ll notice that your adult child will start opening up more, feeling safe in the knowledge that their experiences won’t be dismissed or belittled.

And isn’t that what we all want – to feel seen and heard by those who matter most?

2) Ditch the unsolicited advice

Confession time: I’ve been guilty of this one myself.

As a parent, it’s almost a reflex to jump in with solutions when our kids share their struggles. It’s our way of showing we care, right?

Just last week, my adult daughter was telling me about a conflict at work. Before she even finished her story, I found myself launching into a speech about how she should handle it.

But then I saw it – that familiar glaze over her eyes. She wasn’t looking for solutions. She just wanted to vent, to share her frustrations without having to defend her actions.

It hit me then. My unsolicited advice wasn’t helping. It was shutting down our communication line.

When we offer advice without being asked, we may unintentionally convey that we don’t trust our adult children’s judgment or abilities.

So, I’ve been practicing biting my tongue, lending an understanding ear instead of rushing in with my two cents. It’s not easy, but it’s been worth it for the deeper connection with my daughter.

Remember, sometimes they don’t need a problem-solver. They just need a listener.

3) Limit the hovering

You’ve probably heard of the term “helicopter parenting”. It refers to a style of parenting where parents are overly focused on their children’s experiences, successes, and problems.

Believe it or not, this trend can extend well into adulthood.

According to a study, young adults with helicopter parents reported lower levels of self-efficacy – that’s the belief in one’s ability to manage life and its challenges.

If you’re always swooping in to save the day or manage your adult child’s life, it sends a message that you don’t trust them to handle things themselves.

Instead, step back and let them navigate their own path. Yes, they might stumble here and there, but that’s all part of growing up.

Your trust in their abilities could be just the confidence booster they need to open up and share more about their lives with you.

4) Check your emotional reactions

We all have our emotional triggers, those raw spots that when poked, can make us react in ways we’re not proud of.

Maybe it’s when your adult child makes a life choice you don’t agree with. Or when they voice an opinion that’s contrary to yours.

Your immediate reaction might be to get defensive, or worse, lash out. But here’s the thing: explosive responses can create a minefield of tension and resentment.

Instead, try to manage your own emotions first. Take a deep breath, count to ten, or even step away for a few minutes if you need to.

Remember, it’s not about suppressing your feelings but expressing them in a way that maintains respect and understanding.

When your adult children see that they can share their thoughts without sparking an emotional explosion, it may encourage them to be more open and vulnerable with you.

5) Embrace vulnerability yourself

Here’s something I’ve learned: You can’t expect your adult children to be vulnerable with you if you’re not willing to be vulnerable with them.

Vulnerability is a two-way street. It’s about showing up and being seen, in all of our imperfect glory.

I remember a time when I was struggling with a personal issue and decided to share it with my adult son. It wasn’t easy. I felt exposed, uncertain of his reaction.

But you know what? He didn’t brush off my struggles, nor did he judge me. Instead, he listened, offered support, and even shared some of his own struggles.

It was a powerful moment that deepened our connection. I realized then that being vulnerable wasn’t a sign of weakness but a testament to our strength and humanity.

Yes, it’s scary to show our flaws and fears. But doing so can create a safe space for your adult children to do the same. And isn’t that what true connection is all about?

6) Keep some secrets

It might seem odd, but there’s a place for secrets in a healthy parent-adult child relationship.

You see, as parents, we often fall into the trap of over-sharing. We reason that it’s a way to connect with our adult children, to show them we’re not so different after all.

But there’s a fine line between openness and over-sharing. Your adult child doesn’t need to know every detail of your personal life, just as you don’t need to know every detail of theirs.

Maintaining a level of privacy fosters respect and boundary setting. It helps your adult children see you as an individual and not just as their parent.

Respecting this boundary may make your adult child feel more comfortable in sharing their own experiences, knowing that they’re not expected to share everything either.

7) Show genuine interest

This one might sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to overlook.

Showing genuine interest in your adult child’s life goes a long way in encouraging open communication.

Ask about their day, their work, their friends. Show curiosity about their hobbies, their dreams, their fears. And when they answer, really listen. Put aside distractions and give them your full attention.

But remember, there’s a difference between showing interest and prying. It’s not about digging for information but about fostering connection.

Showing that you genuinely care about their lives can make your adult children feel more comfortable in being vulnerable with you. It communicates that their experiences matter to you and are worth sharing.

8) Practice patience

Building an open and trusting relationship with your adult child isn’t an overnight process. It takes time, effort, and above all, patience.

Remember, change is hard. Your adult child may need time to adjust to your new approach. They may still hesitate to open up at first, and that’s okay.

Be consistent in your efforts. Keep showing understanding, respect, and love. In time, your patience will pay off as your adult child gradually learns to be more vulnerable with you.

Closing thoughts

If you’ve come this far in the article, it’s clear you’re invested in forging a more open and honest relationship with your adult children. That alone is a testament to your love and commitment as a parent.

Remember, the goal isn’t about prying into their lives or controlling them. It’s about creating a safe space where your adult children feel comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities, fears, triumphs, and failures with you.

The journey isn’t always easy. It takes patience, effort, and a willingness to reflect on your own behaviors and adjust them. But the reward – a deeper, more meaningful bond with your adult child – is worth every step.

As the renowned child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott once said, “Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.”

Let’s prove him wrong by being the change we wish to see in our relationships with our adult children.

Because at the end of the day, isn’t that what parenting is all about? Being there for our kids, regardless of their age, creating an environment where they feel seen, heard, and loved.

And perhaps in this process of change, we won’t just improve our relationships with our adult children but also evolve as individuals ourselves.

After all, growth isn’t just for the young. It’s a lifelong journey we’re all on. And what better way to grow than by learning from those we love most?

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