There’s a delicate balance between being a parent to your adult children and respecting their independence.
This balance often hinges on our behaviors. Some habits, innocently carried over from their childhood, can actually hamper our relationships with them as adults.
Stepping back from these behaviors isn’t about losing your place as a parent. Instead, it’s about embracing a new phase in your relationship, one that acknowledges their adulthood and fosters a stronger bond.
Here are seven behaviors to let go of if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult children.
1) Stop Parenting
There’s a time and a place for parenting, and it’s usually when your kids are, well… kids.
As they grow into adults, they need less of a parent and more of a mentor. This transition can be challenging for many parents who are accustomed to their role as the primary decision-maker in their child’s life.
But remember, your adult children are no longer kids. They need space to make their own decisions, even if those decisions are different from what you might choose for them.
By constantly stepping in with advice or solutions, you may unintentionally undermine their confidence and independence. This can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration, which can strain your relationship.
So if you want to maintain a strong bond with your adult children, it’s essential to step back from the parenting role and allow them to navigate their own lives. You can still offer guidance when asked, but remember that your role has changed.
This isn’t about letting go of your connection with them, but rather about redefining it in a way that respects their adulthood.
2) Letting Go of Perfection
I remember the first time my daughter cooked dinner for us. She was so excited to show off her culinary skills, but the meal didn’t quite turn out the way she had planned.
As a parent, my first instinct was to step in and fix things. To suggest a different recipe next time or give her tips on how to avoid the mistakes she’d made.
But I caught myself. This was her moment, not mine.
And the truth is, her meal wasn’t perfect. But it was hers. She had put her heart into it, and that’s what really mattered.
I realized then that one of the behaviors I needed to let go of was expecting perfection from my adult children. They’re going to make mistakes, and that’s okay. It’s part of their journey, and it’s how they learn and grow.
Remember, your role as a parent isn’t to prevent them from making mistakes but to be there for them when they do. Letting go of perfection allows them to be human and helps strengthen your bond with them.
3) Avoiding Unsolicited Advice
It’s a common misconception that offering advice is always helpful. Actually, research from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that giving unsolicited advice can make you feel more powerful, but it can also come across as patronizing and can damage relationships.
As parents, we often feel like it’s our duty to guide our adult children. But there’s a big difference between offering guidance when asked and constantly doling out unsolicited advice.
Your adult children have their own life experiences and perspectives. They need the freedom to make their own decisions, even if they might make mistakes along the way.
If you’re always stepping in with your own point of view, you may unintentionally send a message that you don’t believe in their ability to handle things on their own. This can lead to feelings of resentment and strain your relationship.
So if you want to maintain a strong bond with your adult children, it’s crucial to avoid giving unsolicited advice. Let them ask for your input when they need it, and in the meantime, trust in their ability to navigate their own lives.
4) Overstepping Boundaries
Respecting boundaries is crucial in any relationship, and parent-child relationships are no exception.
As your children become adults, their boundaries will likely change. They may need more space or privacy, or they may want to make decisions without your input. And while it can be tough to accept these changes, it’s crucial to respect their wishes.
Overstepping boundaries can lead to tension and resentment. It can send a message that you don’t respect their autonomy or trust their judgment.
So if you want to maintain a strong bond with your adult children, it’s important to understand and respect their boundaries. This might mean refraining from asking certain questions, respecting their privacy, or stepping back to let them make their own decisions.
Remember, respecting boundaries isn’t about creating distance—it’s about fostering mutual respect and understanding.
5) Holding onto Past Mistakes
There was a time when I struggled with something my son had done in his past. It was a mistake that had caused a lot of pain and worry at the time, and even though years had passed, I found myself bringing it up in conversations.
I realized I was not only holding onto this past mistake but also using it to define him. This was unfair to my son. He had grown and changed since then, and holding onto his past wasn’t allowing me to fully appreciate the person he had become.
Holding onto past mistakes can be damaging to your relationship with your adult children. It can keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from seeing their growth and progress.
If you want to maintain a strong bond with your adult children, it’s crucial to let go of their past mistakes. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but rather choosing not to let it define your relationship with them.
Embracing forgiveness and acceptance can help you move forward and strengthen your bond with your adult children.
6) Ignoring Their Adult Status
The transition from seeing your children as kids to recognizing them as adults can be a challenging one. However, it’s an essential step to maintaining a strong bond with them.
Ignoring their adult status and treating them like children can lead to feelings of frustration and disrespect. Your children are grown individuals with their own thoughts, opinions and responsibilities, and they deserve to be treated as such.
It’s crucial to acknowledge their adult status and treat them with the respect that it entails. This might mean involving them in important family decisions, respecting their opinions even when they differ from yours, or simply acknowledging the challenges and achievements they face in their adult lives.
Treating your children as the adults they are can foster mutual respect and understanding, strengthening your bond with them.
7) Failing to Listen
Listening is perhaps the most important skill you can possess as a parent. True, attentive listening shows your adult children that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are valued.
Listening isn’t just about hearing the words they say. It’s about understanding their perspective, validating their feelings, and demonstrating empathy.
When we fail to listen, we miss opportunities to connect deeply with our adult children. We might also unintentionally send a message that we don’t value their perspective or respect their experiences.
So if you want to maintain a strong bond with your adult children, make it a priority to truly listen when they speak. It’s a simple act that can have a profound impact on your relationship.
Final Thoughts
The journey of parenting doesn’t end when your children become adults. It simply evolves.
Maintaining a healthy bond with your adult children isn’t always smooth sailing. It requires introspection, open communication, and often, a shift in behavior.
Remember, the goal isn’t to hold onto the parent-child dynamic of their younger years but to build a mutual respect and understanding that acknowledges them as adults.
As American writer and futurist Alvin Toffler once said, “The secret message communicated to most young people today by the society around them is that they are not needed, that the society will run itself quite nicely until they – at some distant point in the future – will take over the reins. Yet the fact is that the society is not running itself nicely… because the rest of us need all the energy, brains, imagination and talent that young people can bring to bear down on our difficulties.”
Let’s remember to value our adult children for who they are today, give them space to make their own decisions, and most importantly, let’s keep listening.
These small changes in our behaviors can make a world of difference in maintaining a strong bond with our adult children. After all, parenthood is not just about raising children; it’s about growing with them too.
