There’s a subtle difference between being genuinely nice and merely appearing to be so.
As a psychologist, I’ve observed that some people are masters at masking their true intentions behind a facade of niceness.
Over time, however, certain signs begin to betray their real character.
Now, being nice isn’t about always agreeing or being overly friendly.
It’s about respect, understanding and kindness—and it’s not as common as you might think.
In this article, let’s delve into the seven signs that someone isn’t really as nice as they seem, according to psychological insights.
These observations might help you uncover the genuine from the disingenuous, and navigate your social interactions with more clarity.
1) They’re often dismissive of your feelings
Now, let me share a personal story: I once had a friend who would often dismiss my emotions.
If I was upset about something, she would brush it off as me being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘overreacting’.
It took me a while to realize that this was not a sign of a genuinely nice person.
A truly nice person acknowledges and respects your feelings, regardless of whether they can relate to them or not.
Dismissing someone’s feelings is a subtle form of invalidation and can cause emotional harm over time.
2) They’re only nice when they need something
Some people are only nice when they want something from someone else.
It could be a favor, support, or something more tangible; once they get what they want, their niceness evaporates, leaving the other person feeling used and manipulated.
In my experience, this kind of behavior is far from what one would expect from a genuinely kind person.
Nice people don’t use others as stepping stones to their own goals; they are kind and considerate regardless of what they might gain.
Essentially, we have agency over our own actions and can choose to treat others with kindness and respect, not because of what we stand to gain but because it’s the right thing to do.
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3) They belittle others to make themselves feel superior
We’ve all come across people who feel the need to put others down in order to elevate themselves.
I’ve had my share of encounters with such individuals, and I can confirm, it’s not a pleasant experience.
Psychology tells us that genuinely nice people don’t need to belittle others to feel good about themselves.
They draw their self-worth from within, not from the misfortunes or weaknesses of others.
As esteemed psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”
Those who resort to belittling tactics lack this self-awareness and the ability to grow from within.
4) They don’t respect boundaries
Respecting others’ boundaries is a crucial aspect of being a genuinely nice person.
Disregarding these boundaries shows a lack of empathy and understanding.
I recall a former colleague who would often intrude on others’ personal space and time, disregarding their comfort and privacy.
It was a clear indication to me that he wasn’t as considerate as he initially appeared.
Renowned psychologist and boundary expert Dr. Henry Cloud once said, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.”
When someone consistently crosses or disregards these boundaries, it shows a lack of respect for your individuality and personal space.
5) They never apologize
Here’s a sobering truth: Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone acknowledges them.
Some people never apologize, even when they’re clearly in the wrong.
This refusal to admit error shows a lack of humility and an inability to take responsibility for their actions.
As a psychologist, I have observed this trait in individuals who are not genuinely nice.
They often blame others for their mistakes and fail to show remorse or make amends.
People who can’t apologize find it hard to accept their flaws and failures, which is a stark contrast to the behavior of truly nice individuals who acknowledge their mistakes and strive to make things right.
6) They’re always the victim
Now this might seem unexpected, but playing the perpetual victim can be a sign that someone isn’t as nice as they seem.
These people are always at the receiving end of life’s hardships, or so they claim.
They never take responsibility for their actions and constantly blame others or circumstances for their misfortunes.
It’s what psychologists call the ‘victim mentality’, and it’s often used to manipulate others and evade responsibility.
There are people who have no conscience and who will take advantage of empathic individuals—these people would use this against anyone, regardless if they were friends or not.
7) They gossip a lot
Let me share something from personal experience: I’ve noticed that people who gossip a lot aren’t as nice as they initially seem.
They tend to spread rumors or share personal details about others without their consent, which is not only disrespectful but also unkind.
Gossiping is a form of indirect aggression, according to experts, and it’s used to manipulate social relationships and often stems from insecurity or a desire for social standing.
Gossiping rarely solves problems; more often, it creates them.
Genuine kindness doesn’t involve spreading rumors or tearing down others.