For a good part of my life, I grappled with the loneliness that comes with having no close friends.
The dream was clear as day:
– A confidante to share my deepest secrets
– A buddy to hang out with on lazy weekends
– Someone who’d have my back in difficult times.
But, my reality was very different.
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit, and a psychology enthusiast. I spent most of my early years feeling like an outsider, an observer of the joy of friendship that others seemed to effortlessly enjoy.
I found myself displaying certain behaviors – some obvious, others not so much – that were intrinsically linked to my lack of close friendships.
In this article, I’ll delve into these behaviors, as explained by psychology, that are commonly exhibited by people who have no close friends to rely on.
Through sharing my own experiences and insights, I hope to help those who might be walking the same lonely path I did. Let’s get started.
1) Solitude becomes their comfort zone
As someone who had no close friends, I found myself gravitating towards solitude. It’s strange, but it started to feel like my safety net.
According to psychology, this is a common behavior. When you lack a tight-knit group of friends, you’re more likely to embrace solitude as a way to cope. Instead of seeking out social interactions, which can risk rejection or misunderstanding, you start spending more time alone.
I would choose to stay in on weekends, preferring the predictable comfort of my own company over the unpredictable nature of socializing.
The quiet was my companion, my solace. It was in these moments of solitude that I often found myself lost in thought or engrossed in a book.
Psychologists note that people without close friends often display an increased preference for solitary activities. This isn’t necessarily negative – solitude can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and growth.
However, the key is balance: spending time alone should be a choice, not a default because you have no one else to turn to.
So if you’re finding yourself spending more time alone than you’d like, try reaching out to someone – even if it feels uncomfortable at first. You might be surprised at the response you get.
2) Difficulty in expressing emotions
Another common behavior I noticed in myself was difficulty in expressing my emotions. Without close friends to confide in, I had no outlet to share my feelings.
Psychologists suggest that this behavior stems from a lack of emotional support. When you have no close friends to validate your feelings, it can lead to emotional suppression.
I remember a particular instance when I was going through a rough patch at work. Without a close friend to vent to, I bottled up my emotions. It felt like I was carrying a heavy load that was ready to explode.
It was then I came across a quote by psychologist Jordan B. Peterson: “The great majority of us cannot listen; we find ourselves compelled to evaluate because listening is too dangerous.”
This quote resonated with me on so many levels. It made me realize that my difficulty in expressing emotions stemmed from the fear of being judged or misunderstood.
Remember that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to reach out and share your emotions. After all, as Rogers points out, the biggest hurdle is often our own fear of being judged.
3) Over-reliance on digital connections
Having no close friends led me to another behavior: an over-reliance on digital connections.
In the absence of face-to-face interactions, I often found myself spending hours scrolling through social media feeds or engaging in online forums. It was a way to feel connected, even when I was physically alone.
I remember one evening when I spent almost four hours chatting with strangers on an online forum. It felt good to connect with others, even if they were just virtual acquaintances. At the end of the night, however, I realized that while I had been digitally socializing, I had spent the whole evening alone in my room.
Psychologists warn about the dangers of substituting real-life relationships with digital ones. While technology can be a great tool for staying connected, it can’t replace the emotional intimacy and depth that come from face-to-face interactions.
Reach out to people around you – colleagues, neighbors, or family members. You might discover that meaningful connections are closer than you think.
4) Increased self-criticism
In my experience, having no close friends often led to an increase in self-criticism. I found myself doubting my social skills and questioning my likability.
Psychology explains that in the absence of external validation from friends, we may start to question our self-worth.
I remember nights lying awake, replaying awkward conversations, and blaming myself for not being “good enough” to maintain close friendships.
This self-critical behavior is supported by a study conducted by the University of Texas at Austin. The study found that people who lack a supportive social network tend to have higher levels of self-doubt and are more critical of themselves.
Consider seeking help from a mental health professional who can provide you with strategies to manage this self-criticism.
5) Increased sensitivity to rejection
Without close friends to rely on, I noticed another change in my behavior: an increased sensitivity to rejection.
Every time someone canceled plans or didn’t respond to a message, it felt like a personal slight. I was constantly on the edge, waiting for people to disappoint me.
Psychologists explain this as a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When you don’t have close friends, you expect rejection and then perceive it even when it’s not there.
This heightened sensitivity made it harder for me to form new connections. I was so afraid of being rejected that I often avoided social situations altogether.
If you’re struggling with the same fear, remember that everyone faces rejection at some point. Don’t let the fear of rejection stop you from reaching out to others. It might take time, but forming meaningful connections is a risk worth taking.
6) A tendency to overthink
A behavior I distinctly noticed in myself was the tendency to overthink. With no close friends to share my thoughts and concerns with, I often found myself stuck in a loop of over-analysis.
I would dissect every conversation, and every interaction, looking for signs of rejection or acceptance. This constant overthinking led to increased anxiety and stress.
The famous psychologist Albert Ellis once said: “The art of love is largely the art of persistence.” I realized that this applies not just to romantic love, but also to friendships.
The constant overthinking was a barrier that prevented me from forming close friendships. I was so worried about saying the wrong thing or making a mistake that I often ended up not saying anything at all.
If you find yourself overthinking every interaction, remember Ellis’s words. Persistence, not perfection, is key in forming and maintaining relationships. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, we’re all human.
7) An unexpected strength: resilience
Now, this might come as a surprise, but having no close friends can also lead to the development of an unexpected strength: resilience.
Without a close friend to lean on during tough times, I had to learn to navigate challenges on my own. This forced me to develop coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills that I might not have otherwise.
I remember when I faced a personal crisis and had no one to turn to. It was tough, but it pushed me to confront the situation head-on and find my way out.
In fact, psychologists note that people who often deal with problems by themselves become more resilient over time. They’re able to bounce back from adversity because they’ve had to do it so many times.
However, while resilience is a valuable quality, it’s equally important not to isolate yourself. Reach out to people around you. Start small – maybe join a club or participate in community events. Over time, these connections can grow into meaningful friendships.
So yes, you might have developed resilience due to the lack of close friends, but remember: it’s never too late to start building those connections.
Conclusion
If you identify with some of these behaviors, remember that you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon to struggle with forming close friendships.
I’ve been there. It’s tough, but it’s not impossible to change.
Start small. Reach out to someone you’ve lost touch with. Join a club or activity that interests you. Be open to new experiences and people. Try to listen more and judge less.
And most importantly, be kind to yourself. Friendships take time to build. You’re on your own journey, and that’s perfectly okay. You’re more than capable of creating the connections you desire.
