The way we were raised can have a profound impact on our behaviors as adults. For some of us, growing up meant yearning for emotional validation from our parents, often leaving an imprint on our adult lives.
Psychology tells us that this craving can shape our behaviors in unique ways. It’s like we’re still that child, looking for validation, approval, and love.
It’s a complex topic, but let’s try to simplify it. Here are seven common behaviors of individuals who grew up seeking emotional reassurance from their folks.
My aim in this piece? To shed light on these patterns and hopefully, help those who identify with them understand themselves better. Understanding is always the first step towards change.
1) Constantly seeking approval
Growing up with a hunger for emotional validation can often translate into a constant need for approval in adulthood. It’s like we’re still that child, eager for a pat on the back, a word of praise, or any form of acknowledgement that we’re doing well.
Remember what Sigmund Freud said, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” Now, imagine that protection being tied to emotional validation. It can create a deep-rooted desire to constantly seek approval.
This approval-seeking behavior can show up in all areas of life – from work environments where we strive to impress bosses, to personal relationships where we may go out of our way to please others. It’s like we’re on an endless quest for that parental validation we craved growing up.
Now, don’t misinterpret this. Seeking approval isn’t inherently bad; it becomes a problem when it starts impacting your self-esteem and decision-making abilities. Recognizing this pattern is the first step towards healthier ways of seeking validation.
2) Overly sensitive to criticism
This one hits close to home. As someone who grew up craving emotional validation, I found myself overly sensitive to criticism. Every critique felt like a personal attack, leaving me feeling inadequate and defensive.
It’s like that quote from Carl Rogers, the humanistic psychologist: “The degree to which I can create relationships, which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons, is a measure of the growth I have achieved in myself.” Basically, our ability to handle criticism is often a measure of our personal growth.
In my case, it took years of self-reflection and therapy to understand that criticism isn’t always personal. It isn’t always an attack on my worth or abilities. Sometimes, it’s just feedback – a means to learn and grow.
Recognizing this behavior has been a step towards breaking the cycle for me. And if you resonate with this, know that it’s okay. It’s just another behavior shaped by our past, not a life sentence.
3) Difficulty expressing emotions
Have you ever found it hard to express your emotions? I sure have. Growing up craving emotional validation, I often suppressed my feelings, fearing they would be dismissed or ridiculed.
Dr. Carl Jung, one of the greatest psychologists of all time, once said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” In other words, we must confront and understand our emotions to truly mature and grow.
For many of us who yearned for parental validation, expressing emotions was often linked with vulnerability and fear. We learned to bottle up our feelings to avoid disappointment or rejection.
But here’s the raw truth: Our emotions are valid and they matter. Understanding this is crucial to breaking free from this pattern of behavior. It’s okay to feel and express emotions; it’s a part of being human. And no one should make us feel otherwise.
4) Struggle with self-esteem
People who grew up craving emotional validation can often struggle with self-esteem issues. We measure our worth based on others’ approval, resulting in a shaky foundation for our self-image.
A psychological study by Orth, Robins, and Widaman found that parental warmth and affection significantly influence our self-esteem development. They noted that individuals who experienced less warmth and validation during their formative years often reported lower self-esteem in adulthood.
This constant need for external validation becomes a turbulent roller-coaster ride, where our self-worth fluctuates based on others’ opinions. It’s tiring, it’s draining, but remember, it’s not your fault.
The first step to overcoming this is to recognize the pattern. Understand that your worth is not tied to anyone else’s approval. It’s intrinsic and unchangeable. You matter just as you are.
5) Perfectionism
Ah, perfectionism – a familiar friend to many of us who grew up longing for parental approval. We often set incredibly high standards for ourselves, believing that perfection would earn us the validation we sought.
The renowned psychologist, Dr. Brené Brown, has talked extensively about the link between perfectionism and approval-seeking. She says, “Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it’s the hazardous detour.”
I’ve been there – striving for flawlessness, fearing that any mistake would cost me approval and validation. But here’s what I learned: Perfection doesn’t exist. It’s an impossible standard that only sets us up for disappointment.
Recognizing the pattern is the first step. Then comes learning to accept our flaws and mistakes. They’re part of being human, and they don’t make us any less worthy of love and validation.
6) People-pleasing tendencies
Here’s something you might not expect: People who craved emotional validation growing up often develop strong people-pleasing tendencies. Seems counterintuitive, right? But let me explain.
We become experts at tuning into others’ needs and wants, often at the expense of our own. It’s like we’re conditioned to believe that if we can make others happy, we’ll finally receive the validation we’re seeking.
Psychologist Harriet Braiker once said, “People-pleasers confuse approval with love.” And that hits the nail on the head. We tend to equate pleasing others with earning their love and approval.
But truthfully, constant people-pleasing can lead to self-neglect and resentment. It’s crucial to understand that it’s okay to prioritize our needs. It doesn’t make us selfish; it makes us self-aware. And that’s a step towards healthier relationships and self-validation.
7) Fear of rejection
The fear of rejection is a common thread amongst those of us who grew up craving emotional validation. We fear that if we don’t meet certain standards, we’ll be rejected – just like we felt as children when our emotional needs weren’t met.
As psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the godlike in ourselves.” This fear often keeps us from acknowledging our worth and potential.
Remember, it’s okay to have fears. But don’t let the fear of rejection keep you from recognizing and asserting your worth. You are deserving of love and validation, regardless.
Final reflections
Understanding these behaviors isn’t about assigning blame or dwelling on the past. It’s about recognizing where our patterns come from and using this knowledge to move forward.
Growing up craving emotional validation can shape us in ways we might not even realize. But remember, our past may shape us, but it doesn’t define us. We have the ability to understand and change our behaviors.
So, if you see yourself in these behaviors, know that you’re not alone. And most importantly, know that change is possible. It starts with awareness, continues with understanding, and culminates in acceptance and growth.
This journey towards self-understanding is not an easy one, but it’s definitely worth it. After all, we all deserve to feel validated, loved, and understood – not because someone else approves of us, but because we approve of ourselves.
So here’s to self-discovery, self-love, and the journey towards authentic validation. It’s a journey well-worth taking.
